Sunday, August 2, 2009


Stranger and I don't talk about it - but I think that we both feel it. I sure feel it. It's nerves. We're nervous.

Nervous that something will go wrong with the adoption. Nervous that we'll lose EasternStar. I think that every adoptive parent feels this way and it's probably heightened for us because of the timing. Or maybe we just think that we're special because of the path that we've taken to get here.

We just started to feel comfortable enough to start working on her room. The same room. It's been difficult for Stranger to work up there. He painted that room for SleepingAngel. It's green - the perfect shade of green - not to dark - not to light - not too minty. Perfect. Even before she died, we had decided that if we ever got lucky enough to have another child that we would not paint the room. We can't. What color would we use? TinyDancer's room in purple, the bathroom up there is sky blue, the hallway is orange sherbert, the living room is a moss green, the dining room is red, the kitchen is brownish-tan, the office is also green, the downstairs bathroom is dark blue, our room is yellow. It sounds like we live inside a rainbow, huh? 8 ) Anyway, it's the perfect shade of green.

We are using the same bedding that TinyDancer used and that SleepingAngel used. There is comfort knowing that all of our girls will sleep on the same sheets.

We hung the curtains this week. That was like so many things on this path of grief.....odd.....painful.....comforting. My mom and I bought the material to make curtains for SleepingAngel. We had just started them on a Saturday and we found out that there was a problem the next Thursday. I was in the hospital so all attempts to work on them were halted. Then I was home, but mom was carting me to the doctor twice a week so it's not like we could work on them then. And then she was gone. Do you know how hard it is to work on something for your dead child? And so they sat for almost 2 years. Mom got them out a few weeks ago and the project started again. We worked on them and finished them last weekend. It was hard.

It is hard not to see parallels between what happened with SleepingAngel and where we are with the adoption. With SleepingAngel, we were still smarting from two very early miscarriages. We had an ultrasound toward the end of June showing that she was a girl and that she was healthy. Right. Both of her kidneys were there at that time and the placenta was doing all of the work so the cysts hadn't started killing them yet. It wasn't until the end of July that we let ourselves start to get excited. We had just bought the paint for the room. We had just started getting and I started on the curtains....Stranger was going to start painting the room..... and then .... It was 2 years ago today that we learned that there was a problem - that something wasn't right with SleepingAngel. It would be a week or so before we found out what the problem was - but 2 years ago.

And here we are again - hopeful - scared - getting a room ready - setting up a bed and hoping that there will be a child to fill it .....hopeful that EasternStar will be home soon. Maybe September?

If something goes wrong.......
How will we cope? How will we explain this to TinyDancer? I can't do that to her again. I feel as though we've made her a promise - the promise of a sibling - and as of yet we haven't delivered. How can you make a promise to your child and then not have it come true? And she is SO excited. She chatters about how they will grow up and be "best friends". And she has PLANS for them -
How when EasternStar gets home, she will show her where the butter goes (it is TinyDancer's job to set the silverware on the table and to put the butter on the table and then back in the fridge after dinner. TinyDancer will retain the table setting job (because EasternStar will be too little to walk with butter knives (her words)) and upgrade to bringing the plates from table to the counter after dinner).
How she'll sit next to her and pick up her fork if she drops it.
How she'll show her how to mix the pancake batter and give her a turn stirring.
She'll show her how to use all of her new toys.
She'll check on her at night when she cries and tell her that it is ok and then come and get us. She's already moved her stool into EasternStars room and put it right next to her crib.
How she'll hold the washcloth over her eyes so that the shampoo doesn't get in her hair in the bathtub.
The headbands and hair clips that she's going to give her because they are too small for her.
The books she's going to read to her.
The games that they'll play.
In all of her artwork there are 4 of us. With a letter over our heads to indicate who is who. SleepingAngel is never there anymore. It is EasternStar. She's started drawing pictures for her and hanging them up in her room.
How they'll live together when they are BIG PEOPLE and take turns driving the car.

Please don't think that I'm obsessing about this - or over thinking it. This IS a journal of sorts- and sometimes you need to write it out to let it go.....

We're probably just supersensitive because of the timing. But still... umm...... I don't think I'll be checking my email this week!


Trisha, Duane, and Family said...

Of course you are not obsessing. Allowing yourself to write about your concerns is a healthy outlet. Keeping it inside is a health hazard. After we lost our twins in 1990 and I conceived again in 1993 I worried through the entire pregnancy. The loss has never left my mind nor my heart. Each and every time we adopt I go through the stress of the "what if" syndrome. We are now adopting our little girl's best friend who captured our hearts last year. Oh yes...."what if???" creeps in stealing some of my joy from time to time. I push it out of the way and move onward. So, as Dori (Nemo) sings..."just keep swimming, swimming"...and soon your darling little EasternStar will be home in her bed filling your hearts with pride!!! Best wishes and many blessings...Trisha (mom2B4#10)

Kim said...

Oh Kate, what a beautiful post. I cried. Nothing is going to go wrong, I feel it. :) This road is awfully long but in the end, your daughter will be home. ES is very lucky to have a great big sister!