Thursday, December 4, 2008


One of the things that has majorly sucked the past year is not only having to work through the pain that we carry for ourselves. But having to watch TinyDancer process what she doesn’t quite realize is grief and pain as well. I’ve never seen a child *want* to be a big sister more than she does. I’m sure that every child goes through a phase where they want a little brother or sister to play with and what not. I think that for TinyDancer it is more than a passing want. It’s a longing similar to the longing that Stranger and I feel for more. When we go places – like the Children’s Museum today – I see her watch families with more than one with such longing. She’s practically drooling and she has such sadness in her eyes. I just want to tell her to look away. Don’t torture yourself, sweet baby. It hurts less if you look away and pretend that they aren’t there. It’s even worse when we see families with multiple girls and they are all dressed the same. Take your stupid matching dresses and go home! We don’t need to see how cute you are. In fact, we hate you. So go away and leave us alone!

This is so not fair to us, but it is even less fair for her. She’s so drawn to it. Every time we go to the library – she picks up mostly books about waiting for a sibling. Or about a baby being on the way. Or you are going to be a big sister! And do you know how many books there are with the name SleepingAngel in the title? Way too many!

And then she’ll turn to me and say “When MY baby sister comes home, we can wear dresses that match just like that!” Damn right you will sweetheart. Every single day.