Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends! We've had a great few days and hope that you have too!

This is the first year that TinyDancer has really understood what Christmas is and what happens on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. It has been a blast seeing the magic of Christmas through her eyes. If you asked her what she wanted for Christmas, here is what she would say:

1. A purple guitar with a purple string

2. A pink guitar with a pink string (to use in case one of her friends comes over and they want to play music together)

3. A Belle costume and Belle shoes

4. A pink stroller (she saw one in the window at Pottery Barn Kids and just *had* to have one. Nevermind that she already has 3 strollers!)

On Christmas Eve, we went to mass with Grandma and Grandpa and then came home to a delicious dinner. Our menu - Inside out ravioli, salad, and garlic bread. Yum! By the time that we finished, it was time to get everything ready for Santa (cookies, milk, carrots) and then get to bed.

On Christmas morning, TinyDancer actually slept until 7:45! Woo hoo!! Once she was up, she was up! Here are some highlights from our morning:

Reaching way down to see what is inside!

A box full of ponies from Mommy.

A Belle costume and a pink stroller.

A scooter - which was promptly taken outside to be tried out!

A purple guitar with a purple string and a pink guitar with a white string! We've been jamming out for two days!

Sometimes TinyDancer jams as TinyDancer.....and sometimes she jams as Belle.

And a Polly Pocket Mall! How cool is that?!

After we had opened all of our presents at home on Christmas morning, we got dressed and when to SleepingAngel's special park and left an angel on her marker and added some more ornaments to her tree. I forgot to bring my camera to the cemetary - we'll have to add a picture later.

Then we went to Grandma and Grandpa's for more presents. Yay!

Today we spent the day at Grandma and Grandpa's again - this time with TinyDancer's cousin and Aunts and Uncles.

Lastly, here is a shot of TinyDancer in her special Christmas dress:

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- The Mom

Christmas Present

It's been a rough few weeks. Usually Stranger and I don't have bad days on the same day, but lately we both seem to be having them on the same day. It is hard to cheer your partner up when you feel the same way! A lot of our friends and people that we know are pregnant. Every time I find this out, I feel a little panicky inside. As if God has decided that only X number of people will conceive a child this year, and everytime that someone else does, it lowers our odds. Wednesday was our monthly grief support meeting. Before it started, our counselor was telling me about several members of our group that are currently expecting. Clearly she didn't know what a rough time we've been having. As we were leaving that night, I said to Stranger "Why would she tell me those things?" And Stranger's supportive reply "Well, you seem like a nice person. I know you so I know better, but she must think that you are nice." Awesome! Thanks Love!

Back to Christmas Present. Our December meeting is always a memorial for the babies that we've lost. There are always a few readings and then we light candles and say a prayer for our babies. This year, the readings were about Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future. Stranger's reading - Christmas Present - was very appropriate.


Christmas Present

We are all on the journey through pain. We progress, we fall back, but we choose to continue. Each journey is unique. We share experiences and pain, but no one can predict the length of another's journey.

Yet the themes of our journeys are similar: We have loved, we continue to love, and through the depth of our love we grow and are transformed. We can see growth: Our feelings are intensified, our goals more meaningful, our relationships more valuable, our time more precious.

An integral path on our journey is the sharing of our sadness. Our loss enables us to enter into another's sadness as we never could previously. Matthew Fox has said, "We begin to realize the truth of compassion: to relieve another person's pain or to celebrate another's joy is to relieve one's own pain and to celebrate one's own joy."

We have truly journeyed well if we can enter into another's pain and support him or her. And if we can also enter into another's joy.

Some of us are too newly bereaved to believe we'll ever feel joy again. But humankind survives through hope and faith: we must believe that we will celebrate joy again. Indeed it is the belief that joy will be ours that sustains us on our journey of growth and peace.

One more cute thing

This one is from yesterday morning during snuggle time.

- "I will always be a big sister to SleepingAngel, no matter what happens."
That's right, you will.
"Even when I'm a grownup!"
Even then.

8 )

Funny things that TinyDancer says

Can't remember what day these were said, but I want to jot them down so that we don't forget them:

- Said while sitting at a redlight and watching the crosswalk blink: "Mommy, you shouldn't cross the street when the red man is blinking. You could get hit by a car and have to go to the hospital and get stickers"
"Do you mean stitches?"
"Hmm....yes"


- Said while watching the big girls do gymnastics: "Do you think I'll ever be a big children?"
and
"Why is that girl walking around with crunches?" {She meant crutches}


-"Ravioli and diarrhea are kind of the same."
"Really, how?"
"Ravioli is a square and so is diarrhea."
"No sweetie, diarrhea is when your poopy is soft and watery. Do you mean diamond?"
"Silly TinyDancer."

We have a home study!!!! And I think that it is actually correct!!!

I am *beside* myself right now! When TinyDancer and I returned from the museum this morning we had a present waiting for us by the front door. It was our home study!!! And it was for the RIGHT COUNTRY and for the RIGHT NUMBER OF CHILDREN *and*, the RIGHT GENDER! We paid for our agency to overnight it to us yesterday so I knew that we would be getting it today, but I didn't expect it until later this afternoon. Of course, since I am the reigning queen of organization, I had already prepared all of the INS paperwork and the FedEx envelope, so I pulled one copy of the home study out of our envelope and promply put it in the envelope addressed to INS. The envelope is on our porch right now, waiting to be picked up. It is killing me that it has to be mailed since I probably drove right by the INS office this morning when I went to get a copy of our marriage license, but the application has to be received by mail. At least we have *finally* finished step 1 and we can move on to steps 2 and 3 - which are done concurrently.

Why?

One of the things that has majorly sucked the past year is not only having to work through the pain that we carry for ourselves. But having to watch TinyDancer process what she doesn’t quite realize is grief and pain as well. I’ve never seen a child *want* to be a big sister more than she does. I’m sure that every child goes through a phase where they want a little brother or sister to play with and what not. I think that for TinyDancer it is more than a passing want. It’s a longing similar to the longing that Stranger and I feel for more. When we go places – like the Children’s Museum today – I see her watch families with more than one with such longing. She’s practically drooling and she has such sadness in her eyes. I just want to tell her to look away. Don’t torture yourself, sweet baby. It hurts less if you look away and pretend that they aren’t there. It’s even worse when we see families with multiple girls and they are all dressed the same. Take your stupid matching dresses and go home! We don’t need to see how cute you are. In fact, we hate you. So go away and leave us alone!

This is so not fair to us, but it is even less fair for her. She’s so drawn to it. Every time we go to the library – she picks up mostly books about waiting for a sibling. Or about a baby being on the way. Or you are going to be a big sister! And do you know how many books there are with the name SleepingAngel in the title? Way too many!

And then she’ll turn to me and say “When MY baby sister comes home, we can wear dresses that match just like that!” Damn right you will sweetheart. Every single day.

Woo Hoo!!

Congratulations to Stranger! In July, he will be starting his fellowship here! Yippee! Fellowship will entail three more years of a similar life to what we have now - crazy hours and low pay, but at least now he will be doing what the LOVES so that makes it worth it! ....Sometimes.... 8 ) That being said, I am now changing my name from "The Mom" to "The Mistress". (We joke that he's been forced to be married to his job and TinyDancer and I are his mistresses.)


I just don't know what to think of this! Is the black cloud that has been following us lifting? Is our luck changing? Good things that have happened to us lately:
- Stranger got his fellowship at our first choice location
- Stranger got off with a written warning instead of a speeding ticket as we were shopping early in the morning on Black Friday
- I was approved to work three days a week every week so we just might be able to afford our adoption and my boot camp classes!
- Houdini and RedTrouble got out of the fence in the back yard and did not evade being recaptured.

Perhaps our luck is changing! 8 )

Big day for Stranger!

Today is THE BIG DAY for Stranger! We find out what the next step will be for his career. Is there a fellowship in our future? Will it be here? Will it be 2 hours away? Only three more hours until we find out!