3

Every year October seems to sneak in. And with it comes the increase in the neverending ache. The grief. The girl we were only meant to know for a short while. The what ifs and the why nots. The foot stomping and the heart breaking all over again. The desire to lay down and throw the mother of all tantrums. Would it help to roll around and pound my fists into the ground like EasternStar does? The heaviness as we force our bodies to plod through the day. Focus on the chores that need to be done. Focus on meeting the need of the child that is standing in front of you and crying. Focus on checking off the tasks so that you can make it through the day. The days grow shorter and our bodies grow heavier. It could be seasonal drepression - 'cept that this always used to be our favorite time of year. We used to be in our element - energized by the crisp air, the falling leaves, the hint of wood burning in the air. Now we just feel tired and old. Old. Tired. If we can just make it to November we'll be ok. Don't think about what we should be doing. What would we get her for her birthday? Which weekend would we have her party? What would she be into?



Even without consciously thinking about it our bodies feel it. Why do I feel so crappy? You look a the calendar. And it hits you. It's coming. Even TinyDancer feels it. Out of the blue, after days or weeks without mentioning her, SleepingAngel becomes the center of her artwork. Suddenly, where she drew princesses and castles; now she draws angels. Lots of angels. Only angels. Are you talking about angels in school? No. I just felt like drawing them. The focus of her questions. What is she doing up in Heaven? Is she watching us?


Three.


Three years today. Is it three years old today? Do you say that someone is three years old if they died at only two weeks?


There has been healing for us. Finding our daughter EasternStar, giving birth to RainbowBaby. There has been healing. But some wounds never heal completely. Call me greedy, but I want all three of them. Why couldn't we have all three of them. Together. How much fun would it have been to have all four of them?

Happy Birthday sweet baby.

We love you. We miss you. We wait to spend an eternity with you.