Busy Bee

Tomorrow TinyDancer resumes her tumbling classes. She is *very* excited! And even *more* excited that tumbling class will be on the same day as dancing lessons. Although at dinner she did say - "I'm am going to be busy tomorrow! I need to get good sleep tonight and then take a really really long nap tomorrow." Amen sister!

Fingerprints - Done!

We braved the snow and ice this morning to get our biometric profile done for our I600A application this morning. Now we just wait. We aren't sure if our application will get approved as is or if they'll want to see our child abuse history (or lack thereof - Ha!) from one of the states that we used to live in. If only they's send us that paper!



And for the record, we did not get to slide down the ice covered sidewalk/hill on our sleds. When we returned home, my car got stuck in the driveway and was blocking the sidewalk. *Sigh* Maybe next year! It took Stranger - with TinyDancer's help - over 2 hours to free it!

Snow Day!

TinyDancer's school was closed today because of the snow, so by default, I was off of work today. We had a pretty fun day - we stayed in our jammies until around 10:00 and then we went outside to play in the snow. If you've been to our house, you know that we live towards the bottom of a hill. In my continued quest for Parent of the Year, we tried to sled down the sidewalk of said hill - but alas, it did not work. I don't know if we didn't have enought snow (~4") or if the hill isn't steep enough. It works pretty good for a bike though.....hmmmm..... Maybe tomorrow it will work better since we are supposed to get some sleet and ice accumulation overnight. That ought to slick things up a bit! 8 ) Then we did some fingerpainting with one of her friends. I did not realize that two girls + 6 tiny pots of fingerpaint + 1 bowl of water = such a big mess! But, it was fun and they helped clean up so, all is good. She was all worn out tonight!

And I guess that the getting up at 4:40 everyday for Boot Camp is starting to pay off - my ski pants were much looser today when I put them on than when we went to the pony parade in December. Woo hoo!

Fingerprints!

We finally have a fingerprinting appointment! Woo hoo! Don't call us next Wednesday at 9 - we'll both be busy getting our fingerprints done! It's so nice to keep checking things off of our giant "To Do" list.

Head Sizes

In the car on the way to school this morning:

TinyDancer: Girls heads are circles and boy heads are ovals.
Me: Really?
TinyDancer: Yes. My head and your head are circles and Daddy's head is an oval.
Me: Interesting.
TinyDancer: But Brian's head is a circle. And Spencer's head is a circle. And Jim's head is a circle. Why isn't Daddy's head a circle?
Me: (trying not to laugh too loudly) Maybe we should ask Daddy.

Ambulance

We saw an ambulance with its lights on when we were going home last night. Which usually brings on The Questions:

- Is that the ambulance that you rode in?
Probaby not

- Why did you have to go from one hospital to another?
Hmmm.....how to explain the concept of a level III nicu and the fact that the doctors didn't know what the heck was going on.......well, when the doctor found out that I didn't have enough fluid in my tummy, they put me in the hospital and gave me some medicine to see if the fluid would get bigger. It didn't, so they transfered me to a different hospital to get more tests and in case SleepingAngel came out of my tummy early. The second hospital knows how to take care of sick babies much better than the first hospital.

- Why did you have to stay in the bed?
Because there wasn't enough fluid in my tummy. So, if I fell down, there wouldn't be any fluid to protect SleepingAngel and she could have gotten hurt.

- If she got hurt in your tummy, we wouldn't be able to help her feel better.
That's right.

- Why wasn't there enough fluid in your tummy?
There just wasn't.

- Where did it go?
Well, when babies are in their mommies tummy, there isn't any food to eat, there is just fluid. So, the babies take the fluid into their mouth and swallow it so it goes down to their tummy. Then, when they all done with the fluid, it comes out of them like tinkle. SleepingAngel couldn't go tinkle like she should have, so when she swallowed the fluid, it all stayed inside of her because it couldn't get back out.

- Why couldn't she tinkle?
That is just the way God made her. The parts of her body that made tinkle just didn't work like they were supposed to.

- But she could go poopie.
Yup, she could.

- Why did He make her like that?
I wish I knew princess.

- Some day we'll know.
Yup, when it is our turn to go to Heaven, God will tell us when we get there. And then, it won't matter because we will be with SleepingAngel.

- Do you think that SleepingAngel can tinkle in Heaven?
I bet she can sweetie. Whenever she wants.

- Is there anyone else up in Heaven?
Yup, there are lots of people up in Heaven. Mommy's grandmas and grandpas, and Daddy's grandpas.

- Are there any other children up in Heaven?
There are. There are people of all ages up in Heaven. Little children and big people.

- What are their names?
That's a big question! I bet there are people up there with every name that you can imagine!

- Like *insert made up word* ?
Hmmm.....I don't know if that is a real word.

- *made up word* *made up word* *made up word* !!!!!
And, we are back to being 3!


I don't mind the questions, I'm just sad that I have to answer them instead of having another little princess to hold.

Hockey game recap

We had a great time last night! After a yummy dinner of hot dogs and chili, we walked over to the stadium for the hockey game. I think that TinyDancer had a blast. I think that the speed of the game surprised her at first, but soon she was standing up and having a great time. Except for when the teams scored and they blew the giant air horn. Ouch! Our team didn't win, but she did get to see two very important things:
- a fight between two players
- the token overzealous fan that shouts profanities at the game

Awesome! When do we get our parents of the year award again? 8 )

I'm sure that is was around 10:00 when she got to Grandma and Grandpa's house list night. We'll all be hitting the hay early tonight!

Welcome to 2009!

Welcome to the new year! So far, we've been busy! Granny and Paw Paw came to visit over the weekend and TinyDancer was excited to open more presents! I think her new favorite is a little vacuum cleaner that really vacuums. Well, it vacuums up the tiny white pieces of "dirt" that it came with. So far the excess "dirt" has infiltrated two rooms. 8 )

Tonight TinyDancer is going to her first hockey game. She loves all things sports, so this should be a good time! If only I can convince her that it isn't a good idea to wear a dress to walk 8 city blocks in 30 degree freezing rain.

No movement on the adoption yet. We are checking our mailbox everyday for the notice from the INS to go and get our fingerprints done so that we can have our I-600A approved. Our state fingerprints expire this month, so if we get lucky, we might get to do our fingerprints *twice* this month!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends! We've had a great few days and hope that you have too!

This is the first year that TinyDancer has really understood what Christmas is and what happens on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. It has been a blast seeing the magic of Christmas through her eyes. If you asked her what she wanted for Christmas, here is what she would say:

1. A purple guitar with a purple string

2. A pink guitar with a pink string (to use in case one of her friends comes over and they want to play music together)

3. A Belle costume and Belle shoes

4. A pink stroller (she saw one in the window at Pottery Barn Kids and just *had* to have one. Nevermind that she already has 3 strollers!)

On Christmas Eve, we went to mass with Grandma and Grandpa and then came home to a delicious dinner. Our menu - Inside out ravioli, salad, and garlic bread. Yum! By the time that we finished, it was time to get everything ready for Santa (cookies, milk, carrots) and then get to bed.

On Christmas morning, TinyDancer actually slept until 7:45! Woo hoo!! Once she was up, she was up! Here are some highlights from our morning:

Reaching way down to see what is inside!

A box full of ponies from Mommy.

A Belle costume and a pink stroller.

A scooter - which was promptly taken outside to be tried out!

A purple guitar with a purple string and a pink guitar with a white string! We've been jamming out for two days!

Sometimes TinyDancer jams as TinyDancer.....and sometimes she jams as Belle.

And a Polly Pocket Mall! How cool is that?!

After we had opened all of our presents at home on Christmas morning, we got dressed and when to SleepingAngel's special park and left an angel on her marker and added some more ornaments to her tree. I forgot to bring my camera to the cemetary - we'll have to add a picture later.

Then we went to Grandma and Grandpa's for more presents. Yay!

Today we spent the day at Grandma and Grandpa's again - this time with TinyDancer's cousin and Aunts and Uncles.

Lastly, here is a shot of TinyDancer in her special Christmas dress:

Comments

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- The Mom

Christmas Present

It's been a rough few weeks. Usually Stranger and I don't have bad days on the same day, but lately we both seem to be having them on the same day. It is hard to cheer your partner up when you feel the same way! A lot of our friends and people that we know are pregnant. Every time I find this out, I feel a little panicky inside. As if God has decided that only X number of people will conceive a child this year, and everytime that someone else does, it lowers our odds. Wednesday was our monthly grief support meeting. Before it started, our counselor was telling me about several members of our group that are currently expecting. Clearly she didn't know what a rough time we've been having. As we were leaving that night, I said to Stranger "Why would she tell me those things?" And Stranger's supportive reply "Well, you seem like a nice person. I know you so I know better, but she must think that you are nice." Awesome! Thanks Love!

Back to Christmas Present. Our December meeting is always a memorial for the babies that we've lost. There are always a few readings and then we light candles and say a prayer for our babies. This year, the readings were about Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future. Stranger's reading - Christmas Present - was very appropriate.


Christmas Present

We are all on the journey through pain. We progress, we fall back, but we choose to continue. Each journey is unique. We share experiences and pain, but no one can predict the length of another's journey.

Yet the themes of our journeys are similar: We have loved, we continue to love, and through the depth of our love we grow and are transformed. We can see growth: Our feelings are intensified, our goals more meaningful, our relationships more valuable, our time more precious.

An integral path on our journey is the sharing of our sadness. Our loss enables us to enter into another's sadness as we never could previously. Matthew Fox has said, "We begin to realize the truth of compassion: to relieve another person's pain or to celebrate another's joy is to relieve one's own pain and to celebrate one's own joy."

We have truly journeyed well if we can enter into another's pain and support him or her. And if we can also enter into another's joy.

Some of us are too newly bereaved to believe we'll ever feel joy again. But humankind survives through hope and faith: we must believe that we will celebrate joy again. Indeed it is the belief that joy will be ours that sustains us on our journey of growth and peace.

One more cute thing

This one is from yesterday morning during snuggle time.

- "I will always be a big sister to SleepingAngel, no matter what happens."
That's right, you will.
"Even when I'm a grownup!"
Even then.

8 )

Funny things that TinyDancer says

Can't remember what day these were said, but I want to jot them down so that we don't forget them:

- Said while sitting at a redlight and watching the crosswalk blink: "Mommy, you shouldn't cross the street when the red man is blinking. You could get hit by a car and have to go to the hospital and get stickers"
"Do you mean stitches?"
"Hmm....yes"


- Said while watching the big girls do gymnastics: "Do you think I'll ever be a big children?"
and
"Why is that girl walking around with crunches?" {She meant crutches}


-"Ravioli and diarrhea are kind of the same."
"Really, how?"
"Ravioli is a square and so is diarrhea."
"No sweetie, diarrhea is when your poopy is soft and watery. Do you mean diamond?"
"Silly TinyDancer."

We have a home study!!!! And I think that it is actually correct!!!

I am *beside* myself right now! When TinyDancer and I returned from the museum this morning we had a present waiting for us by the front door. It was our home study!!! And it was for the RIGHT COUNTRY and for the RIGHT NUMBER OF CHILDREN *and*, the RIGHT GENDER! We paid for our agency to overnight it to us yesterday so I knew that we would be getting it today, but I didn't expect it until later this afternoon. Of course, since I am the reigning queen of organization, I had already prepared all of the INS paperwork and the FedEx envelope, so I pulled one copy of the home study out of our envelope and promply put it in the envelope addressed to INS. The envelope is on our porch right now, waiting to be picked up. It is killing me that it has to be mailed since I probably drove right by the INS office this morning when I went to get a copy of our marriage license, but the application has to be received by mail. At least we have *finally* finished step 1 and we can move on to steps 2 and 3 - which are done concurrently.

Why?

One of the things that has majorly sucked the past year is not only having to work through the pain that we carry for ourselves. But having to watch TinyDancer process what she doesn’t quite realize is grief and pain as well. I’ve never seen a child *want* to be a big sister more than she does. I’m sure that every child goes through a phase where they want a little brother or sister to play with and what not. I think that for TinyDancer it is more than a passing want. It’s a longing similar to the longing that Stranger and I feel for more. When we go places – like the Children’s Museum today – I see her watch families with more than one with such longing. She’s practically drooling and she has such sadness in her eyes. I just want to tell her to look away. Don’t torture yourself, sweet baby. It hurts less if you look away and pretend that they aren’t there. It’s even worse when we see families with multiple girls and they are all dressed the same. Take your stupid matching dresses and go home! We don’t need to see how cute you are. In fact, we hate you. So go away and leave us alone!

This is so not fair to us, but it is even less fair for her. She’s so drawn to it. Every time we go to the library – she picks up mostly books about waiting for a sibling. Or about a baby being on the way. Or you are going to be a big sister! And do you know how many books there are with the name SleepingAngel in the title? Way too many!

And then she’ll turn to me and say “When MY baby sister comes home, we can wear dresses that match just like that!” Damn right you will sweetheart. Every single day.