Remembering

Today we remember our sweet, perfect daughter.  Four years ago today our princess passed away so peacefully in my arms.

Finally a family of four

Finally a big sister

A leaf from my big sister

Remberance Garden

A perfect flower.  Made to bud on Earth and bloom in Heaven.

We miss you.  We love you.  We are hollow without you.  We think about you every day.  We patiently wait to be with you again.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy



Four

Happy Birthday to our sweet SleepingAngel. 


She'd be 4 today if we were lucky enough to have her with us.  Instead she is sleeping in God's hands - waiting for us to join her when it is our time.

Two sisters sitting on the couch.

The baby that wasn't supposed to make it out of the delivery room.

Sleeping - holding onto the necklace that her big sister made for her.

We miss you sweet baby.  And we'll never forget you.

Baby love

Want to see something cool?

Of course you do, right?


I have almost the same picture with all four of my girls!



Here are TinyDancer and I when she was just a few days old -

Here I am with SleepingAngel when she was 11 days old -

This is the closest one that I have with EasternStar. This picture is from our first trip to see her. It was our last day and she was not feeling well - she had a fever and a runny nose. For most of our visit, she just nuzzled in my shouler. She was 11.5 months old in this photo.

And last, here I am with RainbowBaby just a few days ago - at 9.5 months old -

Funny how without trying we've taken almost the exact same picture!

Charity Walk

Every year our local children's hospital has a big fundraiser. A BIG one. We've participated the past few years to raise money for the hospice program that helped us with SleepingAngel. Hospice of course is not a big money raiser for the hospital. Or any money raiser at all as all (or at least most) of the services are provided free of charge to the families. It is an organization that is close to our hearts.

Here are some pictures of us before the walk. The walk is pretty easy - just a flat 1 mile or 2 mile walk around a historic amusement park in the area. I'm so proud of EasternStar - she insisted on walking the entire course!

You can see that we made special shirts for SleepingAngel. RainbowBaby wasn't big enough for a picture of SleepingAngel so she just had a picture of a flower on her tummy. The girls shirts say "My little sister" and "My big sister". On our backs we put the quote from her memorial card:

"A beautiful flower
Lent not given,
To bud on Earth
and bloom in Heaven"



After the walk there are art activities for the kids, lunch, and you can ride some of the rides. The girls chose to get their faces painted first. EasternStar wasn't too sure about it, but TinyDancer was eating it up!

There wasn't much for RainbowBaby to do, so while the big girls and Stranger rode the rides, we hung out and played in the leaves.

SleepingAngel's Birthday

I took a little unplanned vacation from blogging. Good thing this is just a hobby and not my real gig! Over the next few days I hope to catch up. There are some pics of EasternStar's party and Halloween that I hope to post soon.


Here are some pictures from SleepingAngel's birthday back in October. We try to celebrate the day and the special time that we got with her.

We started out by getting bagels from our favorite bagel store and then heading to her special park to leave balloons and flowers at her special spot.

Flowers and balloons

We always get enough flowers to bring some home that way we can enjoy her special birthday flowers too.

Stranger with our flowers to bring home

The girls have also decided that they need matching flowers to bring home. They've asked for bud vases to put on their dressers for their flowers. Of course by they, I really mean TinyDancer. She does a lot of talking for EasternStar. 8 )

EasternStar with her roses to come home

TinyDancer with her roses

We usually bring a cupcake to leave on her stone. This year the cupcakes weren't ready in time so we got special chocolate chip cookies instead. We left her half of one "since she's a baby".

Birthday cookie

Our hospice program gave us a lot of suggestions on how to 'celebrate' the day. One that we really liked was to have a balloon launch and send balloons to Heaven with messages attached. We didn't do messages this year, but we had a lot of balloons!

Even RainbowBaby picked out a balloon

There they go......

Almost gone!

Cupcakes decorated by TinyDancer and EasternStar

We made it through the day and what we think of as SleepingAngel's "special time" - the two weeks that we got to spend with her at home. I guess that we are getting through it better each year. The first year I made no plans during her time. It was too hard. The next year got a little better. This year, a little better. That two weeks is still a touchy time for us. The emotions run closer to the surface. If only we could escape the real world for a few days.

3

Every year October seems to sneak in. And with it comes the increase in the neverending ache. The grief. The girl we were only meant to know for a short while. The what ifs and the why nots. The foot stomping and the heart breaking all over again. The desire to lay down and throw the mother of all tantrums. Would it help to roll around and pound my fists into the ground like EasternStar does? The heaviness as we force our bodies to plod through the day. Focus on the chores that need to be done. Focus on meeting the need of the child that is standing in front of you and crying. Focus on checking off the tasks so that you can make it through the day. The days grow shorter and our bodies grow heavier. It could be seasonal drepression - 'cept that this always used to be our favorite time of year. We used to be in our element - energized by the crisp air, the falling leaves, the hint of wood burning in the air. Now we just feel tired and old. Old. Tired. If we can just make it to November we'll be ok. Don't think about what we should be doing. What would we get her for her birthday? Which weekend would we have her party? What would she be into?



Even without consciously thinking about it our bodies feel it. Why do I feel so crappy? You look a the calendar. And it hits you. It's coming. Even TinyDancer feels it. Out of the blue, after days or weeks without mentioning her, SleepingAngel becomes the center of her artwork. Suddenly, where she drew princesses and castles; now she draws angels. Lots of angels. Only angels. Are you talking about angels in school? No. I just felt like drawing them. The focus of her questions. What is she doing up in Heaven? Is she watching us?


Three.


Three years today. Is it three years old today? Do you say that someone is three years old if they died at only two weeks?


There has been healing for us. Finding our daughter EasternStar, giving birth to RainbowBaby. There has been healing. But some wounds never heal completely. Call me greedy, but I want all three of them. Why couldn't we have all three of them. Together. How much fun would it have been to have all four of them?

Happy Birthday sweet baby.

We love you. We miss you. We wait to spend an eternity with you.

First Picnic

Stranger has been on vacation this week and we've been enjoying some nice family time everyday. Here are the girls enjoying some playtime on Tuesday afternoon:

Family play time

On Thursday we went on a picnic after picking TinyDancer up from school. We went to the park with SleepinAbgel's grove of trees and sat right next to her trees. It's hard to believe that they have only been there for two years - they have grown so much! TinyDancer and Stranger also did some kite flying after lunch while the little girls and I watched.

Bring on lunch!

First picnic

Kite flying

SleepingAngel's trees right after they were planted - May 2008

SleepingAngel's trees - May 2010

Matching Jammies!

I'm sure that some day my kids will think that this is dorky, but I love putting them in matching clothes. And matching clothes that say "Big Sister" and "Little Sister" are even better! There were so many days and weeks after SleepingAngel died where we thought that perhaps this was God's way of telling us that we were not meant to have more children. So many days that we never thought that we'd be lucky enough to have a second child, much less a third. I am so thankful that we are fortunate enough to do this!


I went to Kohl's a few days ago and these jammies caught my eye:




Kohl's carries Carters pajamas up to size 12 or 14, and I was able to get these in TinyDancer's size (8) and EasternStar's size (3T).



I also found a "matching" sleeper in what I think will be RainbowBaby's size. The sleeper is white and has the same flowers as the pants. The collar and the sleeves have the purple and white polka dots on them. It is so cute!



I can't wait until my three girls can wear the matching "Big Sis" and "Little Sis" jammies!

Happy Valentines Day - Belated

Happy Belated Valentines Day!

We hope that all of our family and friends had a nice day. We had a nice and relaxing day spent mostly at home. Each of my girls got a bouquet of flowers:

and TinyDancer and EasternStar got identical balloons.

SleepingAngel got a different balloon:

and a special note from TinyDancer.

We went to SleepingAngel's special park to dig out her headstone and see if we could get her Christmas tree. It was buried under all of the snow that we've been getting. When we got there, we could only see the angel that sits at the top of her tree! We left her some flowers and sent her balloon up to Heaven to her.

Even though we agreed not to exchange presents this year, Stranger got me these cookies:

They were yummy!!

Heaven Day

Happy Heaven Day sweet SleepingAngel!

We miss you.

I hope that you like the flowers that we left at your special spot.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Here is one of our favorite photos - one of her first from the day she was born:

October 19, 2007

And one of her last, holding onto a leaf - a present from TinyDancer - and sporting her white gangsta hat:

November 2, 2007

Two

Two.

Today is SleepingAngel's second birthday. Or is it - today is supposed to be SleepingAngel's second birthday? Is? Was? Whatever.

We've been quite busy the past few weeks - you can tell because the blog has been silent. Stranger's car was turned into a tripod. That's right - a wheel fell off. I'm no mechanic, but even I know that That's no good. Then Stranger had to throw himself into studying for the boards. It was like intern year all over again as far as us seeing him. Thankfully those were last week. We only have to wait until February to find out if he passed. 8 ) EasternStar has attended the first few of her many scheduled doctor's appointments. So far she has had an ear infection (2 doctor's appointments), a hearing test (she passed), and a head-to-toe exam by her international adoption doctor. We still have to collect her stool samples for that and we are waiting to get the results of some of her blood work. Otherwise she is healthy and behind in all areas - some more than expected, some right where we expected. We have a physical therapy evaluation coming up another doctor's appointment and an eye appointment coming up - that is supposed to take 2 hours and I can't wait! And possibly a speach evaluation depending on how she does in the next two months. TinyDancer has had two violin recitals which each have their own dress rehearsal. One recital had a dress code that I was only semi-aware of until the day of so we scrambled to get her the right stuff before her recital. Mom of the year right here! 8 )

It's been busy.

But the business has been good. It's been an excuse not to think about it being October. An excuse not to think about today.

All in all it was an ok day.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had a special mass said for SleepingAngel at my parents church. She has quite the sense of humor - we arrived 5 minutes late (still getting used to the 2 kid thing) and mass hadn't started yet. We joked that they were waiting for us .... nope .... we had no priest. 8 ) A priest finally came and mass started 15 minutes late. We headed to mom's for breakfast and to relax. In the afternoon we went to SleepingAngel's memorial trees and sent her balloons for her birthday:




Today we had a "pool party" - we swam at the pool at Granny and Paw Paw's hotel and then TinyDancer had a picnic with her friends. Then we went shopping and out to dinner and had cake for dessert:



Happy Birthday sweet baby. We miss you and we love you.

Love, Mommy, Daddy, TinyDancer, and EasternStar

Nerves

Stranger and I don't talk about it - but I think that we both feel it. I sure feel it. It's nerves. We're nervous.

Nervous that something will go wrong with the adoption. Nervous that we'll lose EasternStar. I think that every adoptive parent feels this way and it's probably heightened for us because of the timing. Or maybe we just think that we're special because of the path that we've taken to get here.

We just started to feel comfortable enough to start working on her room. The same room. It's been difficult for Stranger to work up there. He painted that room for SleepingAngel. It's green - the perfect shade of green - not to dark - not to light - not too minty. Perfect. Even before she died, we had decided that if we ever got lucky enough to have another child that we would not paint the room. We can't. What color would we use? TinyDancer's room in purple, the bathroom up there is sky blue, the hallway is orange sherbert, the living room is a moss green, the dining room is red, the kitchen is brownish-tan, the office is also green, the downstairs bathroom is dark blue, our room is yellow. It sounds like we live inside a rainbow, huh? 8 ) Anyway, it's the perfect shade of green.

We are using the same bedding that TinyDancer used and that SleepingAngel used. There is comfort knowing that all of our girls will sleep on the same sheets.

We hung the curtains this week. That was like so many things on this path of grief.....odd.....painful.....comforting. My mom and I bought the material to make curtains for SleepingAngel. We had just started them on a Saturday and we found out that there was a problem the next Thursday. I was in the hospital so all attempts to work on them were halted. Then I was home, but mom was carting me to the doctor twice a week so it's not like we could work on them then. And then she was gone. Do you know how hard it is to work on something for your dead child? And so they sat for almost 2 years. Mom got them out a few weeks ago and the project started again. We worked on them and finished them last weekend. It was hard.


It is hard not to see parallels between what happened with SleepingAngel and where we are with the adoption. With SleepingAngel, we were still smarting from two very early miscarriages. We had an ultrasound toward the end of June showing that she was a girl and that she was healthy. Right. Both of her kidneys were there at that time and the placenta was doing all of the work so the cysts hadn't started killing them yet. It wasn't until the end of July that we let ourselves start to get excited. We had just bought the paint for the room. We had just started getting ready.....mom and I started on the curtains....Stranger was going to start painting the room..... and then .... It was 2 years ago today that we learned that there was a problem - that something wasn't right with SleepingAngel. It would be a week or so before we found out what the problem was - but 2 years ago.

And here we are again - hopeful - scared - getting a room ready - setting up a bed and hoping that there will be a child to fill it .....hopeful that EasternStar will be home soon. Maybe September?


If something goes wrong.......
How will we cope? How will we explain this to TinyDancer? I can't do that to her again. I feel as though we've made her a promise - the promise of a sibling - and as of yet we haven't delivered. How can you make a promise to your child and then not have it come true? And she is SO excited. She chatters about how they will grow up and be "best friends". And she has PLANS for them -
How when EasternStar gets home, she will show her where the butter goes (it is TinyDancer's job to set the silverware on the table and to put the butter on the table and then back in the fridge after dinner. TinyDancer will retain the table setting job (because EasternStar will be too little to walk with butter knives (her words)) and upgrade to bringing the plates from table to the counter after dinner).
How she'll sit next to her and pick up her fork if she drops it.
How she'll show her how to mix the pancake batter and give her a turn stirring.
She'll show her how to use all of her new toys.
She'll check on her at night when she cries and tell her that it is ok and then come and get us. She's already moved her stool into EasternStars room and put it right next to her crib.
How she'll hold the washcloth over her eyes so that the shampoo doesn't get in her hair in the bathtub.
The headbands and hair clips that she's going to give her because they are too small for her.
The books she's going to read to her.
The games that they'll play.
In all of her artwork there are 4 of us. With a letter over our heads to indicate who is who. SleepingAngel is never there anymore. It is EasternStar. She's started drawing pictures for her and hanging them up in her room.
How they'll live together when they are BIG PEOPLE and take turns driving the car.
Ugh!

Please don't think that I'm obsessing about this - or over thinking it. This IS a journal of sorts- and sometimes you need to write it out to let it go.....

We're probably just supersensitive because of the timing. But still... umm...... I don't think I'll be checking my email this week!

Heartbreak loves company

My cousin - Cousin A - makes beautiful cross stich gifts. For each of my girls, she made them a decorative pillow with their birth information on it - name, date, weight, etc.

Right now, TinyDancer is laying on the floor, clutching both her pillow and SleepingAngel's pillow and saying "I miss SleepingAngel. I want her to come home. Just for a little while. Just until EasternStar comes home."


It sucks that an adult has to walk this path. I don't know that I'll ever understand why God makes a child walk this path too......

A new day has dawned .......

I feel much better after my sarcasm laced post from last night! 8 ) As much as this is a way to keep our family and friends updated on our progress with the adoption and what is going on with us, it is also a journal of sorts to jot down our thoughts and feelings.


An upbeat post for today:

We've been watching our garden for weeks waiting for our first Lily to bloom. The time has finally come: SleepingAngel - are the Lily's in Heaven as beautiful as the ones down here?
Love and Kisses!
Mom and TinyDancer

We're leaving in 4 days!

Holy crap!

I can't believe that we're leaving in 4 days! We have so much to do. I should so not be at work. I should *so* not be at work and updating my blog! hee heee

We were doing awesome on our "To Do" list until Saturday when we hit this item: "Pack away SleepingAngels things to make room for EasternStar". And we haven't really moved on anything since. We still have all of SleepingAngel's stuff in her room - the molds of her hand, the cards from her birth and from her funeral, even her oxygen tubing and extra tubes for her gavage feeding. They are all sitting in her crib. Or stored haphazardly in a cardboard box. We have pretty boxes to store them in..... we just..... haven't. I think that both of us have managed to not think about having to change that room from "SleepingAngel's Room" to "EasternStar's Room". Even TinyDancer still calls it "SleepingAngel's Room". We may have to skip this item and face these emotions when we get home.




Proof that Stranger and I make a great team: I'm panicked about everything that we need to get done before we leave. He's panicked about everything that we have to do once we get there. And the whole being in another culture and not being able to speak the language thing.

To our sweet baby in Heaven......

We love you and miss you! If you were here you'd be 18 months old today. Sleep well sweet angel.
Love,
Mom and Dad and TinyDancer

Ambulance

We saw an ambulance with its lights on when we were going home last night. Which usually brings on The Questions:

- Is that the ambulance that you rode in?
Probaby not

- Why did you have to go from one hospital to another?
Hmmm.....how to explain the concept of a level III nicu and the fact that the doctors didn't know what the heck was going on.......well, when the doctor found out that I didn't have enough fluid in my tummy, they put me in the hospital and gave me some medicine to see if the fluid would get bigger. It didn't, so they transfered me to a different hospital to get more tests and in case SleepingAngel came out of my tummy early. The second hospital knows how to take care of sick babies much better than the first hospital.

- Why did you have to stay in the bed?
Because there wasn't enough fluid in my tummy. So, if I fell down, there wouldn't be any fluid to protect SleepingAngel and she could have gotten hurt.

- If she got hurt in your tummy, we wouldn't be able to help her feel better.
That's right.

- Why wasn't there enough fluid in your tummy?
There just wasn't.

- Where did it go?
Well, when babies are in their mommies tummy, there isn't any food to eat, there is just fluid. So, the babies take the fluid into their mouth and swallow it so it goes down to their tummy. Then, when they all done with the fluid, it comes out of them like tinkle. SleepingAngel couldn't go tinkle like she should have, so when she swallowed the fluid, it all stayed inside of her because it couldn't get back out.

- Why couldn't she tinkle?
That is just the way God made her. The parts of her body that made tinkle just didn't work like they were supposed to.

- But she could go poopie.
Yup, she could.

- Why did He make her like that?
I wish I knew princess.

- Some day we'll know.
Yup, when it is our turn to go to Heaven, God will tell us when we get there. And then, it won't matter because we will be with SleepingAngel.

- Do you think that SleepingAngel can tinkle in Heaven?
I bet she can sweetie. Whenever she wants.

- Is there anyone else up in Heaven?
Yup, there are lots of people up in Heaven. Mommy's grandmas and grandpas, and Daddy's grandpas.

- Are there any other children up in Heaven?
There are. There are people of all ages up in Heaven. Little children and big people.

- What are their names?
That's a big question! I bet there are people up there with every name that you can imagine!

- Like *insert made up word* ?
Hmmm.....I don't know if that is a real word.

- *made up word* *made up word* *made up word* !!!!!
And, we are back to being 3!


I don't mind the questions, I'm just sad that I have to answer them instead of having another little princess to hold.